Great(ish) Expectations

Dopamine - Judgement and Reasoning = Misplaced Trust Squared

2011-06-27T16:14:00.000-07:00

One of my many guilty pleasures is watching The Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo. The outspoken matchmaker Patti is not only entertaining to watch, she is actually full of great information that anyone can use. Her show is not just for millionaires, it is a learning experience for everyone who tunes in.

One of her most interesting "club rules" is the "No sex before monogamy" rule. The members of her club are not allowed to have sex with someone they date in the club, until the relationship is exclusive. I wholeheartedly agree with this rule. It may be a little puritan, a little "old school", but I think our ancestors may have been on to something.

I mean, think about it. You are dating a new guy. You wait a decent amount of time to get to know him before you sleep with him. Then you have sex, and its wonderful. You go out for breakfast the next morning, wearing his hoodie, and rocking your sex hair with confidence because he is knock your socks off good, and you're sooo happy. What you're not thinking about is that he might be having sex with other people. That is the last thing you want to think about, because what's the point?

No conversation about where the relationship is going has taken place, because it's too soon. Besides, you are having such an amazing time with him and you know he's into you too. Things are still very new, you are still in the "fun" stage.

So the problem is, that he might be having sex with other people, and he is 100% entitled to do so, as are you. But on a primal level, deep down in the pit of your stomach, you know that it is 100% not ok. God forbid if you were to find a used condom in his trashcan and the situation becomes all too real. You find yourself

Modern dating almost requires that we adopt a casual, no harm no foul attitude about sex in the beginning of a relationship. It's not supposed to mean, or change anything, but truth bomb: It does. It's the closest we can physically come to someone, so why do we do it with someone who is essentially a stranger?

Science tells us that any type of physical contact with the man you're dating causes a rush of oxytocin and dopamine to the brain, causing your awareness and caution centers to shut off. What do you get when you combine happy feelings with decreased caution? Trust. Try as we may to avoid it, women are hardwired to trust someone we have been physically close to.

A guy friend once gave me this advice: "If you want to find out if a guy truly likes you, wait 2 months until you have sex with him. The guys that don't stick around aren't worth the effort, and don't have sex with a guy just to get him to stick around, he'll sense it and it will make him want to run. Run away."

I'm not standing on my soapbox to preach abstinence, I'm just suggesting we give a little more credit to taking things slow. Accept that sex is substantial, and acknowledge that as much as we don't like to admit it to ourselves, the sex thing really does change the dynamics of a new relationship.

Go Bitch or Go Home

2011-06-26T20:31:00.000-07:00

Why is it that as soon as a woman is recognized as powerful, the title of bitch is almost always attached to that recognition? Like when people say, "Yeah, she was a great pharoh of egypt and everything, but she was kind of a bitch." Ok, so nobody says that except my art history professor, but nonetheless it got me thinking, so let's explore this double standard.

The perfect example of this paradigm is Queen Hatshepsut of ancient egypt, who acutually named herself Pharoh, and ruled for 22 years. Her stepson was too young to rule at the time of her husband's death, so she named herself ruler to hold his place until he was old enough to rule . She saw an opportunity to assume the most powerful position to rule over the most powerful civilization in the ancient world, and yes, when her stepson grew older, she didn't want to give that power up.

Kind of a bitchy move, but you would never have heard a word about it if she had been a man who took charge, assumed power, and brought wealth and prosperity during his reign. This is exactly what she did, but even in my liberal arts university, the focus remains on her reluctance to give up her power after all she had accomplished, so a man could sit in her place. She is painted in my textbook as nothing more than a hardcore bitch, and it makes me sad.

I'm a huge Egyptian history buff, but even if you're not, I'm sure you can get the general message.

Unfortunately this double standard probably won't be going away anytime soon. I think that sometimes a woman has to choose between being seen as a bitch, or being unsuccessful. Positions of power like CEO, governor, or... pharoh, require a level of tactful aggressiveness that is seen as unattractive in a woman.

In the words of Delores Claiborne, "Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold on to."

I say, if there is something you want to achieve, sometimes you have to go bitch or go home.

From Facebook, to Face to Face

2011-02-02T18:08:00.000-08:00

I was going to write a post on the problems one faces with online flirtations-- be it chats on AIM, Facebook, or a dating website-- and creating a real-life situation out of them. I stumbled across a post by my favorite dating blog: Sex and the Single Ape on this very scenario.
Let's face it, we all want to get laid at some point or another, and to do so requires some human interaction other than witty, innuendo filled banter via the world wide web. Of course there is always "sexting" for all you hard-core nerds out there, but for the rest of us, there has to be a surefire way to take online flirting to the next level right? Wrong.
The beauty of web communication is that its impersonal. If you are feeling the need to flirt, you can simply log on to one of many portals, find a familiar face--or not-- and type away. If the flirting is reciprocated, great. However, its not always a sign that he's into you and wants to take your communication to a face to face, "let's discuss this over coffee/I want to see you naked" level.
The point I'm trying to make is: these may be modern times, but men still like the chase. If you're putting yourself way out there online, then there is no reason for him to see you in person. After a few conversations, cut it short by saying: "I'm going to bed, but you can call me sometime this week, my number is: 555-5555...
If he is into you, he'll call (or probably text...heavy sigh). If he's not, than at least your disappointment didn't go beyond a few meaningless conversations. This is a great way to actually distinguish the guys that are interested from the ones that are not, which = a great way to distinguish the guys that will treat you great, and the guys that will not.
Check out Single Ape's post to hear it from a guy's perspective!

Don't Ask Don't Tell

2011-01-27T19:20:00.000-08:00

"Starting this year, no American will be forbidden from serving the country they love because of who they love," Obama said this evening in his State of the Union Address.

I just finished watching the State of the Union Address, and amongst the economic and foreign policies the president mentioned, there was something that caught my attention: The Don't Ask Don't Tell Policy Repeal that the president signed in December.

I say, if anyone is willing to sign their name/life over to the country I live and prosper in, godspeed. Until I am willing to make that commitment and sacrifice I am in no position to tell you you can't. I'm just thankful for the men and women who are willing to fight for our country- because I'm certainly not that brave.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments on this contraversial issue- do you believe that openly gay individuals should be able to serve in the military?

5 Things I Love About Men

2011-01-04T10:26:00.000-08:00

One thing I've noticed lately is that when things go wrong in our love lives, the first reaction is to blame the opposite sex entirely for their many faults. Man-bashing is a toxic habit to get into. It gives you the role of victim, and the entire male population the role of bad guy, which leaves you out-numbered, and your own worst enemy. It gives the impression that you are bitter, and are carrying around a lot of baggage- which are not exactly qualities men look for (in fact they try to avoid them at all costs). Think about it this way: Why would a man want to date you if he knows you already think he's scum?
So I thought I'd show some love to our male counterparts by listing my 5 Reasons I Love Men:

1. They're Good Company
-Men don't feel the need to talk for hours about their life crises or obsess in front of the mirror about how fat they are. They just go out and have fun. The best part of hanging out with a guy friend is that you don't have to reassure him 20 times that he looks like a natural blond.
2. They Don't Hold Grudges
- Guys can be throwing punches at each other, and an hour later they're throwing back drinks. Look at some girls sideways and you suddenly find you've been de-friended on facebook.
3. They're More In Touch With Their Emotions Than You Might Think
- I've observed my guy friends in their natural environment. I've witnessed them talking openly about what they want in a girl or relationship, and even problems they're having finding love. You have to be in the right place at the right time to witness one of these elusive conversations. Men do have/talk about feelings, they just don't do it as often as women.
4. They Open Things
- Doors, jars of pickles, bottle of wine.
5. They Don't Ditch Their Friends Completely or Change Their Personality Every Time They Date Someone
-For the most part, guys have a good sense of self. They won't abandon the people or activities they love when a new person comes along.

10 Signs He's Not Relationship Material

2011-01-03T11:07:00.000-08:00

1. He mentions his ex girlfriend more than once on a first date.

- Its never a good idea to talk about the ex on a first date, but once is forgivable since some guys lack common sense in dating. This may seem like a no-brainer, but its a common red flag that many girls ignore. If he feels the need to talk about her, there's a good chance the wounds from the breakup are still fresh and she's obviously still on his mind.

2. He wants to take you on a trip after a month of dating

-This may seem like a sign that he's totally invested in the relationship, and ready to take it to the next level, (and sometimes it really is, some guys just move fast) but if he just got out of a relationship, it can also be a sign that he is trying to recreate old memories with a new person. I actually experienced this one myself; my ex took me camping a month after we had been dating. I was actually in the tent reading this tip in Cosmopolitan, and shrugged it off. A couple weeks later he took me on vacation with his family. The day we got back he told me he still had feelings for his ex. It sucked, but I couldn't say I wasn't warned. On the other hand, this really doesn't apply to every situation. Some guys just move fast, or travelling could be a big part of his life and he wants to make you a part of it. Just make sure to read between the lines and listen to your gut feelings.

3. He doesn't want to meet your parents. Ever.

- Again- seems like a no-brainer, but a lot of guys put this information out there early on in the relationship, and girls act like its ok, because they don't want to break up, and they don't want to seem too needy. Anyways, he'll probably fall in love with you and change his mind right? If he's volunteering this information- he is flat out telling you that he doesn't want to get too seriously involved.

4. He only contacts you at 11:30 at night or later

- No explanation needed

5. He never calls, he only texts or IM's you

- Some guys are just phone shy. I personally hate talking on the phone. That said, if you have been seeing someone for two months and he hasn't picked up the phone and called you once- this can be a subtle sign that he's not that interested in you. Next time he texts you to make plans, say hey I'm kinda busy, I'll call you later. Then call him. The next time he texts you, say hey, I'm at work (or busy or whatever) and say can you call me around 6?

6. He's not introducing you to his friends

- If a guy likes you, and wants to be in a relationship with you, he will feel proud to introduce you to his friends. He will want to you include you in his life and show you off.

7. He doesn’t initiate at least 80% of the things you do together.

“I call this the 80/20 rule,” explains Mike. “When I don’t like a girl, the 80% drops significantly. I’m not even aware of it. I’ll get off the phone and never close the conversation with a set of plans.” Note that it doesn’t have to be exact plans, but it should at least be, “Let’s hang out later this week and we’ll do dinner. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

-This one I got from Glamour.com, and never thought about it in terms of percentages. But now that I think about it, its generally true- especially in the very beginning of a relationship.

8. He cancels plans at the last minute because he has to study, go to bed early, or do his laundry.

-What guy do you know that would rather do laundry than hang out with an awesome girl he's totally into?

9. He's not too fond of the fairer sex

- If he constantly bashes women, or makes derogatory remarks, its a sign that he has his guard up. He's been hurt in the past and has no interest in getting his feelings involved again. Sometimes this can heal with time, but don't dote on him, or treat him like a wounded puppy. Sometimes guys just aren't ready to be in a relationship, or you just might not be the right girl for him.

10. He's MIA for a week

- If you've been hanging out consistently for a month or more, and his texts suddenly disappear from your inbox, it is mathematically probable that his dog did not get sick and his grandma didn't die. There is a 99.99999% chance that you don't want to stick around to find out why he stopped contacting you. RUN.

I got some of these tips from Glamour, to read more, click here.

Let Down The Facebook Walls

2011-01-02T13:31:00.000-08:00

I recently joined the group Facebook Etiquette 101 for social research. I want to know if my views of social networking are in line with the official rule book.

Social networking has made it a lot easier to connect with people, (understatement of the day). At the same time, it has also allowed us to put a "wall" up around ourselves. If our friends want to know what is going on in our lives, they can check this wall daily, barely lifting a finger or uttering a word to us.

I have heard from my elders, that there was a time when people only had one phone per household, that remained inside their home at all times. If you wanted to know how a friend was doing, or what was going on in his or her life, you picked up the phone and called them... just to talk.

For my generation, social networking has completely re-constructed the protocol for social interactions. It has also changed how things work in the dating world. As if we didn't have enough to worry about in managing relationships, we are now faced with a whole new genre of human interaction that we have to master.

Reading the signs can be tricky when you don't have a face in front of you to pick up on emotional cues. That's why I say keep it light, positive, and short n' sweet when it comes to online communication. Save the heavy stuff for more exclusive and private conversations with close friends. Most importantly, don't judge the progress of a relationship by how well its going on Facebook instead of Face to Face.

For more tips from fellow Facebookers, you can join the group. My plan is to incorporate social networking advice into this blog on a regular basis, since it has become (whether we like it or not) a major form of communication.

Dinner For Two, Simple and Delicious Date Night Dinner

2010-12-30T10:11:00.000-08:00

Bring out your inner domestic goddess with this easy & scrumptious dish. He'll be coming back for more, and might even ask for seconds.

Ingredients
1 cup uncooked bow tie pasta
2 bacon strips, diced
1/3 cup sliced fresh mushrooms
2 tablespoons chopped onion
1 garlic clove, minced
1 cup diced cooked chicken
1/2 cup frozen peas, thawed
1/2 cup condensed cream of chicken soup, undiluted
1/3 cup 2% milk
1 tablespoon prepared mustard
2 teaspoons honey
1/2 teaspoon dried parsley flakes
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon pepper
2 teaspoons grated Parmesan cheese
Directions
Cook pasta according to package directions. Meanwhile, in a large skillet, cook bacon over medium heat until crisp. Using a slotted spoon, remove to paper towels. Drain, reserving 1 tablespoon drippings.
In the drippings, saute mushrooms and onion until tender. Add garlic; saute for 1 minute. Stir in the chicken, peas, soup, milk, mustard, honey, parsley, salt if desired, pepper and bacon. Cook and stir over medium heat until heated through. Drain pasta; add to skillet and toss to coat. Sprinkle with Parmesan cheese.

Eharmony Advice Review: What to Say When He's Consistently Late

2010-12-28T15:29:00.000-08:00

In the E harmony article: What to Say When He Disappoints You I found some tedious advice that should (in my opinion) be ignored. The first topic: He is consistently late. E harmony claims to offer advice to use conflict to connect with your man on a deeper level.

Eharmony advice: When he's late to meet you or pick you up once, let it go. (I agree with this by the way) But when he does it consistently, leave out judgemental, or blaming phrases like "It's rude to keep people waiting," or "You're always late," (Also agreed; this feels like nagging). Say something instead like, "I really feel angry when I have to wait, and I notice we're often late to things."

My Advice: When he strolls up to your door a half an hour late to pick you up for dinner, have a sandwich in your hand and invite him in. Tell him you'll just be a minute, you got hungry while waiting on him, then playfully look at your watch and giggle.

Why: If he's consistently late, he's probably been this way for a long time. Some people just have a warped sense of time. They have no idea the aggravation and starvation they are causing. Being tactful about the situation might not change his behavior, but it will help you settle down and enjoy the time you do spend with him (when he finally gets there).
Start telling him to meet you earlier than your actual ETA, and take a chill pill. By making light of the situation, and taking care of your own hunger needs by having a snack, it allows him to relax around you and be himself- which is going to make him feel a lot closer to you than opening up about the "deep" emotions you're experiencing. (Which by the way, are mostly caused by hunger pains)
Not every conflict is going to be resolved with a long talk, and lots of "opening up," because no one does that. If you start talking about how his being late makes you feel "angry" or "upset," the next time he does something to really piss you off, he won't know it because you are the type of girl who lets everything affect her.

WOW

2010-10-12T17:46:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'm a bad blogger, but I have a whole slew of good excuses. Starting off this semester, I've had a car breakdown, bought a new car (2010 Hyundai Accent to be exact- and I love it!) which left me completely broke relying on student loans to pay for hundreds of dollars worth of art supplies (Fine Arts Major). Three weeks into the semester, I rear ended someone with my new car, and bent the hood. The next week I got really sick with a sinus infection. Knock on wood this has been the first normal week of my life in the past month and a half.

So, sorry if this post is a little, shall I say, un-articulate? I'm a little out of practice and still trying to bring down my blood pressure after all of this stress. Needless to say trying to keep up with assignments and jewelry orders has been incredibly hectic. My dating life has come to a hault lately amidst the stress. Mr. Unique and I didn't work out, but I haven't had time to notice. I have though, mysteriously been missing my ex like crazy this past week. Probably hormone related lonliness/psychosis.
I've been spending a lot of time with my guy friends lately, and that seems to help. Being around positive male energy is sometimes better than dating.

This post has made me realize how much I miss blogging. I will try to keep this up, but I won't make any commitments like "once a week posts" because that ends up making me look like an idiot. Thanks to those of you who have stuck around, I hope you'll continue reading!

Top 5 Romantic Comedies to Ignore

2010-08-20T05:56:00.001-07:00

Don't worry- The Notebook is not on the list (because it is an epic love story and I ball every time Noah and Allie die together in each other's arms); I may not like romantic movies, but I do have a soul. Below is my list of the most unrealistic, poorly made romantic comedies that should make any girl in the 21st century roll her eyes.

1. When Harry Met Sally
Years of platonic friendship, awkward rebound sex, and being utterly wrong for each other does not equal him wanting to spend the rest of his life with you. Sorry.

2. Failure to Launch
Or pretty much any movie starring Matthew Mcconaughey.

3. 27 Dresses
WTF was that movie even about?! I didn't actually make it through the whole thing, but I'm willing to bet my left arm that I didn't miss anything.

4. The Ugly Truth
The ugly truth is that this Katherine Heigl is not not nearly as charming or loveable as movie makers seem to think she is.

5. Good Luck Chuck
I was bored after about the 40th girl Dane Cook banged, and just started doing math in my head.
...So that's a 98% chance that Dane Cook caught the herpely erpelies.

This Puts the Sad in Sadistic... Why He Doesn't Call After Sex

2010-08-16T19:34:00.001-07:00

I stumbled on this article on http://www.practicalhappiness.com/truth-about-one-night-stands/comment-page-1/#comment-2593'>Practical Happiness, and just had to share. Though I do think the author makes some good points, the overall negativity of it really made me want to take up cutting.
Quote: "Further, just because a guy you are out with is kissing you, making out with you and is otherwise all over you doesn’t even mean that he finds you very attractive or particularly sexy."
So not only does he not call after sex, there's a chance he wasn't even remotely attracted to you, and you were just a set of orpheus's that happened to be at the wrong place with the wrong douche bag.

And they wonder why us ladies suffer from low self esteem? The author seems to set out to ruin the last ounce of confidence we have left! I guess one good thing the article has going for it -- in all seriousness-- is that it is a wakeup call and a tough love lesson not to get into bed with a guy too soon. I think I'll keep my self confidence anyways, and keep on thinking I'm fabulous even if a guy decides not to call... I'm really not cut out for cutting.

TOP 5 WAYS TO GET OVER AN EX

2010-08-10T16:11:00.000-07:00

In order to avoid falling off your radar completely, I've decided that a controlled list of five dating related things I creatively named "Top 5" would be the best way to handle/compensate for my lack of time management.

In the middle of moving, my lovely computer finally had enough of me, and reset itself to some default mode. All of my programs, files, pictures, and even internet history is gone. You mean I have to remember my passwords now?! WTF?

So as you can imagine, there is little motivation to write lengthy philosophies on the puzzling and complicated dating world right now. But don't worry- I am building up a list of material for my "big comeback," and planning another great giveaway- so please bear with me over the next month or so!

Without further adieu, I present to you, the TOP 5: Ways To Get Over an Ex

1. Booze
This is usually the first step in the 5 step program of getting over an ex. Hopefully not to be followed by the more widely known 12 step program of alcoholics anonymous. When used in moderation, and in the presence of good friends, alcohol is a great way to avoid that initial shock and grief. I'm sure a lot of mental health experts would disagree, saying that this is an "unhealthy way to deal with the emotions of grief," then they would proceed to hand you a pamphlet on DABDA, charge you a hundred bucks and send you on your way.
I don't know about you, but in the first few days/weeks of a bad breakup, the words mental and health don't really appear in the same slurred sentence with each other. At least not for the first couple of weeks. My point is, you really need your crazy time.

2. Friends
This needs no explanation.

3. Change Your Ring Tone
Ever get that tinge in your stomach when you hear your phone ring right after a breakup? You think its him. Why? When you breakup with someone, every emotion, memory, object, and sound associated with that person becomes amplified for a time. Changing your ring tone is a way to change a part of your daily routine, and get back in control of those gut feelings, which leads me to my next point.

4. DON'T trust your gut... at first
Magazines are constantly telling us to trust those "gut feelings." A gut feeling is thought to be a very primitive instinct triggered by stressors to prompt the "fight or flight" action. Unfortunately, breakups are very stressful, and can trigger a lot of gut feelings that lead us to make bad decisions. Example: Calling him when you know you shouldn't. You can almost feel it in the pit of your stomach, your arm reaches for your phone before your brain can tell it not to, and BAM- you're right back in the teary scene you started from.
Why? The gut feeling. The stressor: Fear of being alone. According to Louann Brizendine, author of The Female Brain (I highly suggest every woman read this book by the way), fear of being alone may actually have its roots in our cave-woman ancestors' need for survival. The best chance a woman had for surviving and fighting off predators in those times, was to find a strong man who could hunt, protect, and provide for her and her child. It was important to have a man at her side, in case she became pregnant and had to care for a child. Her and her genes would have a better chance of survival if they are protected. My advice would be to use and listen to your head strictly for three months after a breakup. Sharpening your relationship logic will hopefully lead to sharper and more accurate gut feelings as well. I'm still experimenting with this theory of mine after my breakup. Its been about two months of using my head, and I feel a lot more confident in my own judgement.

5. New Hobby
Yes its cliche' but it works, and because of it I have a pretty successful jewelry business now, and an awesome blog!

Well this was more than I planned to write, but I forgot how much I missed it! I'd love to hear the methods you use to get over an ex!

What Is Love? REPOST

2010-07-27T15:58:00.000-07:00

Well, according to Wikipedia, (yes wikipedia) Love is....

"...any of a number of emotions related to a sense of strong affection [1] and attachment. The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure ("I loved that meal") to intense interpersonal attraction ("I love my wife"). This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.

As an abstract concept, love usually refers to a deep, ineffable feeling of tenderly caring for another person. Even this limited conception of love, however, encompasses a wealth of different feelings, from the passionate desire and intimacy of romantic love to the nonsexual emotional closeness of familial and platonic love [2] to the profound oneness or devotion of religious love.[3] Love in its various forms acts as a major facilitator of interpersonal relationships and, owing to its central psychological importance, is one of the most common themes in the creative arts."

According to Al Pacino in The Devil's Advocate, Love is "Chemically no different than eating large sums of chocolate."

According to the J. Gelis Band, Love Stinks.

What do you think love is?

Mr. Perfect Part 2

2010-07-20T16:46:00.000-07:00

OK, where did I leave off? Oh yes... Mr. Perfect and I consummated the relationship. If you're not familiar with what I'm talking about, then please read the previous post.

Two days later, he had to leave for a trip to Chicago with the other roomate. He called me from the road, telling me he missed me, and even calling me "baby" which made me smile. They were gone for four days, and I was utterly bored out of my mind. No Internet, no cable, and no friends. Suffice to say I was elated when Mr. Perfect walked through the door.
We resumed our little life in our little apartment, and things were good. We never fought- to a fault. There was just nothing to fight about. We just got along, and luckily, were able to tolerate each other's idiosyncrasies (like his smoking in the car with the window closed, and me leaving my clothes all over the floor on more than one occasion). He brought me coffee everyday in bed, and woke me with kisses all over my face. I felt truly adored- something I had never felt before.
He took a second job to make some extra money for the holiday season. Our schedules were so overlapped, that we literally only saw each other for ten minutes during the waking hours. He worked nights as a stock person, and didn't get home until morning, then slept for a couple of hours before he went to his other full time job as bar manager at the country club. I went to work in the mornings, sometimes worked until 9 P.M. and even if I got off early, he was already at one of his jobs by the time I got home. Still, I admired his work ethic, and didn't nag him about spending more time together. I did, however, start to notice myself going numb, and the hint of feelings I had developed for him were slipping away.
Sometimes I would ask him to go to the city with me, but he never wanted to. He had already lived there for two years, and it just didn't interest him anymore. I would go by myself, and walk around aimlessly admiring the splendor, wishing that I could afford to have a real life in New York. And then one day, it just hit me like a ton of bricks.
This new life wasn't a right fit for me. Mr. Perfect was already talking of moving out to California in a year or so. If I went with him, I would become completely dependant on him for a place to live. I was not in love with him enough to move across the country-- I liked knowing that home was only an eight hour car ride away.
I decided to leave New York, and leave Mr. Perfect. He spent the next few weeks trying to convince me to stay in New York and go to school, but in the end, he agreed that going back home was best for me. On the day I left, I didn't cry. I couldn't wait to get home. Over the following weeks, I thought I missed him, but it was a distant emotion, that went as quickly as it came.
I spent the next few months trying to figure out what the hell my problem was. Why couldn't I feel anything for this wonderful guy who treated me like gold every day? Who brought me coffee in bed every morning and woke me up with kisses? What kind of cold hearted bitch turns that down anyway? Not to mention that he was hot, smart, funny, and had a great personality. He had travelled the world, and experienced a full life. Total mind f*ck.
So why did I go numb? Why did my feelings for this guy turn into a cloud of dust then disappear? To this day, I still think about it with total curiosity. Sometimes, when I'm having a hard time in love, or dating, I think of him, and try to imagine my life being easier had I just stayed and tried to work things out. But there is still a little voice deep down telling me that I made the right decision to leave, because it's four years later, and I still don't miss him.

Mr. Perfect

2010-07-20T14:16:00.000-07:00

Why are the right guys so wrong sometimes? How is it possible to be in a relationship with your ideal man and feel nothing at all?

Four years ago, I was working for a neurologist in Akron Ohio. He was the most insane person I've ever met in my life- and one day I just snapped.

Two months prior to this day, I had taken a spontaneous trip to New York with my cousin. I fell in love, and lust. Love with the city, and lust with a man. I had always pictured myself living in New York someday, (doesn't every Carrie Bradshaw wannabe at 19?) It was full of effortless sophistication, tall buildings, and endless possibilities.

She was also in lust at the time- with a Bulgarian guy who lived in an upscale town. He was the reason we embarked on this spontaneous weekend trip, and it would lead me on a path I couldn't have imagined.

He was Johnny Depp hot- and to my utter delight, so was his tall, dark, handsome, Eastern European room ate! I wanted him instantly. We spent the day walking the city with her new romance, while my eye candy was nowhere to be found.

"He's Working, but he will come out with us tonight," said Bulgarian hottie.

Later that night, we went to dinner, and Mr. Perfect graced us with his presence. Nothing spectacular or romantic happened we ate, drank, laughed and went back to our rooms and went to sleep. I kept in touch with Mr. Perfect over the next couple of months via text.

One Wednesday afternoon, I was filing charts as usual when I heard the Dr. ranting about something down the hall. At first, I paid no attention (he was usually babbling on about something) until I heard my name. My ears perked up. He was talking about my outfit. I walked curiously down the hall to meet his gaze.

"Why wasn't I wearing scrubs?!" he asked

"Because Dr... it's Wednesday and we don't see patients on Wednesdays... and I've been wearing jeans on Wednesday for the past two years?!!" I said in disbelief. He was finally losing it.

"That's inappropriate! You look like a street person,"

He went on, insulting my fashion sense, and that's where he crossed the line. My next words were something along the lines of Fuck You, followed by me walking out of the building, getting into my car, and going to Starbucks.

I had quit my job. Now what? Hey I know! Why not move to New York!

Mr. Perfect had been offering to let me stay with him for the past couple of weeks, so four days later, with three hundred dollars to my name, I hopped in my car and drove. I brought a suitcase full of clothes, and kept it in my car for the first two weeks while I decided if I was going to stay (or if I was even welcome).

Mr. Perfect kept mentioning places that he saw were hiring, and saying that I should drive to the library and type up my resume.

"I'm telling you," he said, "you can stay here as long as you like. You're welcome here."

Within the next week or so, I had three job offers, and I took two of them. One working in a busy Doctors' office, and one as a hostess in a restaurant. Mr. Perfect and I crossed paths, but we barely saw each other over the weeks. We would come home at night, and watch the news, talk about our days, and go to bed (separately). I still wanted him so bad, but now we had also developed a great friendship and got along great as roomates.

One night, we were home alone together, talking, and one thing led to another...

To Be Continued...

GUEST POST: Dating From a Guy's Perspective... The First Date

2010-07-14T15:35:00.000-07:00

I wanted to hear it from a guy's perspective, so when Mr. O of Shades of Grey agreed to do a guest post on dating, I was thrilled! Oliver, tell us a little bit about yourself:

I’m just a normal twenty-nine year old single guy living in Naples Florida, the geriatric sandbox of the world. A girl who I started dating a couple of years back got me in to blogging and although the relationship didn’t work out, the blogging stuck with me.

I don’t usually write about relationships or feelings on my blog, but the more I read about those things from the female perspective, the more I’ve felt the urge to share. So, when Margo asked me to do some guest posts, with my take from a guy’s perspective, I thought I’d give it a try.

Like everybody, I’ve had my share of relationships, heartbreaks and dating mistakes. By no means does that make me a dating expert; but I do analyze everything, so sometimes I have beneficial insight. If you don’t agree with my point of view or you have something to add, feel free.

Here you go ladies, your guide to a first date, Do's and Don'ts!
Guidelines for a first date

No grand gestures:

On a first date flowers and fine dining only create pressure and set the bar too high for reality. I know he’s probably doing the planning for the first date, but try to suggest low-key. Bars are too loud and all you can do is drink, movies are too quiet and awkward, if you go with an un-traditional date like kayaking and you don’t like him, you’re stuck with him for a looong time. That’s why I love a nice laid back atmosphere like a pizza place where we can be relaxed, order some drinks and we don’t need forks and knives. Plus I can play around with you about what your topping selections say about your personality. First dates are pressure enough, a relaxed environment will make you both more comfortable and you’ll get to know each other better.

Meet there – insist on it:

I automatically question any girl who tells a stranger her address and gets in the car with him on a first date. Even if that first car ride ends without you being tied up in the trunk, what if this guy turns out to be p-s-y-c-h-o and now he knows where you live? Plus, him dropping you off at your place can lead to other things which are a bad idea on a first date. Drive separately and keep yourself in control.

Make it on a weekday:

The problem with weekend dates is that there’s no set ending point because you don’t have to be up for work the next day. BAD IDEA. If your good date’s going well you want it to end early and leave the other person wanting more. Stretching out a good dinner with a walk to the ice cream place around the corner or a quick drink (not drinks) at the bar next door is okay. Stretching a first date out more than an hour past dinner is a mistake. That’s why weeknight dates are great. #1 – there are fewer people out to ogle your first date experience (and let’s face it, people know you’re on a first date) #2 – You have to be up for work the next day so you have to be in bed early – it’s a way to keep the date to a guaranteed length. “I have to be home by 10:30 because I have work tomorrow”

Don’t have your friend call you to get you out of the date:

We’re all familiar with the emergency bailout call and here’s some advice…It’s lame and cowardly. You’re already on the date, if it’s that awful then just tell the person and leave. If you know it’s not going to work but it’s not disastrous, suck it up. Try to enjoy yourself and get to know a new person, he might even be a good connection in the future. Use it as practice to hone your dating skills. Besides, you’re getting a fed. It’s an hour of your time, not the end of the world.

Offer to pay:

There’s no way he should allow you to pay, but offering is key. I would never let a girl pay on the first date, but I will judge her on whether or not she at least makes a legitimate sounding offer to pick up her share You don’t need to insist – just offer. If he accepts on the first offer he might not like you. If you want to stretch the date in to dinner or ice cream you can use this as a transition “okay, you bought dinner, let me buy you a drink”.

Don’t let it go farther than a really good goodnight kiss:

Have you ever found your future spouse by sleeping with somebody on the first date? Neither have I. So don’t do it. If you’ve had a good connection so far, your hormones are going nuts and you want do a lot of kissing - because girls like to kiss a lot even if doesn’t lead to anything – even though I’ve learned that fact, I still don’t understand it ;)
A really good, deep goodnight kiss is all you really need. You will either leave him wanting more or thinking you’re a prude for not taking it farther. If he thinks you’re a prude, he wasn’t worth it anyway.

Do not send an “I had a great time tonight text”:

In fact the only text it’s okay to send the same night is if the other person asks you to text that you got home safely. And then the only thing you should write is “got home safely, good night” Do not leave things open for a 3 hour text conversation. By saying goodnight you’ve closed the window and you’re not required to answer any other text that you get sent (even though it’s probably eating at your insides not to) If he says “had a great time tonight” you might be able to get away with a “me too” but leave it at that and no more responses. Trust Me.

I put the last one in red because I totally agree! I was actually going to do a post about this- but now I don't think I need to because we've heard it right from the source!

Set up the next date or cut it loose:

As a guy I can tell you it’s a lot to always be the one setting up dates, and it’s annoying to be left hanging when you thought a date was good, but a girl didn’t have that same feeling. If the date went well, try setting up the next date. If it didn’t go well, don’t ignore my calls or texts, just tell me you’re not feeling it and we can both feel like adults.

If you do decide to try to plan the next date, a group setting on a Friday night can be fun. “I’m going out with a group to a local bar, if you’re interested” or if you want solo how about “There’s this great local spot I’ve been meaning to try, I’d love to buy dinner since you bought last time”. But always remember to ask what they’re up do first, because if you suggest first and they’re not available then you’ve already put yourself and your date idea out there.
Look at these two examples:
Example 1:
You: “what are your plans for the weekend?”
Him: “Oh, I’m doing this, this and this”
You: “oh, that sounds like an awesome weekend”
-You’ve committed nothing so you’re not stuck in an awkward position and you’re still in control of the next offer.
Example 2:
You: “I was wondering if you’d like to grab dinner Saturday night”
Him: “oh, I can’t I have plans”

-Now you’ve thrown your offer out there so the next step is either to make 2 offers in a row or wait for him to make an offer – you’ve lost control

What do you think ladies? Do you agree or disagree? Have I left anything out?

On Men and Parrot Training

2010-07-13T18:30:00.000-07:00

"If you ask any parrot trainer how to train a parrot, he or she will tell you to raise the perch to about shoulder level. The trainer will tell you not to raise the bird up higher than you, because the bird will think he is better than you. No matter how much the bird loves you, if you put your finger up over your head to touch him, he'll be more inclined to bite you. This dynamic with birds is where the term cocky originated."

---Sherry Argov

I'm currently reading Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov. Contrary to what the title implies, the book does not teach you to be an ill tempered, unpleasant female. I won't give you a book report- but I will say that I've applied a lot of these techniques in my own life, and at times they worked so well that I was totally amazed!

I actually applied one technique last night when I went out with Mr. Unique for the second time...

He texted (yes texted to my disappointment) me saying that he wanted to take me to a cool restaurant in Cleveland for our date. The only problem was, my friend Carly was having a get together out in Spencer (about 40 minutes away from my home) and I would be spending the night there. I wanted to get out there early enough to float on her pond and drink. Priorites priorities!

So, do I cancel my plans with Carly to go out with a hot new guy who is really trying to impress me with awesome date plans? Absolutely not! Instead I told him that I would need to be back by six to get on the road. He replied that we wouldn't make it since there's usually a long wait at that particular restaurant, and asked if I had any other ideas. I suggested sushi, and he said that sounded good.

Guys are used to girls cancelling their plans, and ditching their friends to hang out with them. I'm not saying I didn't want to go to Cleveland with him- I really f'ing did. But this is a ballsy move that most guys are not used to. It shows him right off the bat that you respect your time, and you are hanging out with him because you want to- not because you need to. A quality guy will respect this. God I hope he calls.

Dear Anonymous

2010-07-09T16:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Anonymous,

You're past the distraction phase. Now what? You thought the grieving would be over right? After all you drowned your sorrows with booze, laughs, great friends, and making out with randoms. Now you're in the dreaded calm. I commend you for not calling him so far- you're stronger than-- well, me.

When someone tells you they love you, its supposed to be the beginning, not the end. When the rug gets so violently ripped out from under you, it is traumatic to put it lightly. It can be hard to stay rational, and think the situation through, so allow me to point some rationality in your direction.

1. You're an amazing person and you deserve better than this guy was willing to give. End of story. (Repeat over and over to yourself until you believe it).
2. He wasn't willing to give up his "Freedom and independence" for a loving relationship with someone that he "couldn't imagine living without". Contradiction? Yes. Confusing? Yes. Your problem? Hell No.
3. You miss him. This is the hard part. You don't just miss his kiss, or some romantic idea of him- you miss the friendship, the laughter, the inside jokes that you built together. It sucks. I know, I've been there. You just have to look at the facts of the case, and continue laughing-- on your own this time. You'll laugh with someone else- believe me, you will.
4. You can completely ignore all the advice not to call him, and pick up that phone. It won't change the course of your life- I think you'll be fine. It might leave you with some answers that you didn't really want to hear, and it might leave you feeling down for a little bit longer, but you really are better off without this guy.

I really do feel for you, I know how it feels, but nothing I say can make it "better". So how does an independent gal navigate this rough terrain? Look out for number one. Find it in yourself not to call him, and if you do, pick yourself back up and continue to move on. (By the way, have you tried Ok Cupid?) I really hope this helps, and I'm sorry I can't give you a fairytale answer- but I don't think you'd believe that crap if I did.

He Loves Her, He Loves Her Not...

2010-07-08T16:15:00.000-07:00

Dear ~~Abby~~ Margo,

I dated a guy for about 4 months- things started slow because I am a guarded person usually. I like having fun and dating guys but it is hard for me to get serious with someone. I liked him a lot when I met him, he was outgoing and ballsy and HILARIOUS. I have never laughed so hard in my life. We had the best times together, and because of how well we worked together- I let him in. We decided to be exclusive after a couple months.

We are both incredibly independent and have full, busy lives on our own, but our time together was usually so perfect. So naturally, I wanted to be his girlfriend- not expecting anything to change other than the title. He was hesitant- he has a ton of baggage from a horrible ex girlfriend (most all stories that I heard about her were not even from him but rather some mutual acquaintances, so it wasn't like he was bashing her). I understood his hesitance and told him that things were perfect as they were and I didn't mind the title as long as we were happy. Over Memorial Day weekend, he made it "official" and announced that he wanted to be my boyfriend and that he loved me. He told me that he could never imagine his life without me. Then one week later, he said he wasn't ready for a relationship and ready to give up his life and independence. Game over; we broke up.

It hurt like hell...but I drowned my sorrows in booze and distracted myself with good friends. Now it is a month later, and we haven't spoken....and I miss him. What we had was so good...I don't really understand what happened and I probably never will. I know that it is normal to WANT to call him and start communication again...but I hear a little voice in my head telling me that is a "weak" thing to do.

So- in your expert opinion, how does a strong, independent gal navigate these choppy waters? Do I call him, knowing that I am risking my "cool"? Or do I continue moving along on my own and resist that urge? (because like masturbation, it may be fun at the time, but in the end, I am only fucking myself?)
Sincerely,
Anonymous.

Dear anonymous,
I wanted to give this some time to sink into my brain so I know what I want to say, so for now I've just posted your story for others to read, and my response will be up probably sometime Sunday! Thanks so much for writing in!

Life Before Relationships

2010-07-07T14:43:00.000-07:00

I believe that every woman can find the life of her dreams. Notice, I didn't say the man of her dreams. I believe in putting life before relationships. I'm not saying that you can't have both- you can.

However, so many women I've known stop living their own lives, and stop doing the things they used to do the moment a man takes even the slightest interest in them. You know the girl I'm talking about and maybe you've been in her shoes a couple times.

Scenario:

It's Saturday and you call her up to see if she wants to hang out in a couple of hours. She won't confirm plans with you, "Because," she says, "Me and (insert flavor of the month's name here) usually hang out on Saturdays."

So you make other plans, meanwhile she is sitting at home waiting for Mr. No Show who is probably out actually enjoying his Saturday somewhere which is what she should have been doing in the first place. Guys don't put their friends on the back burner over a pending phone call from you- so take a lesson from them and don't do it to your friends. You'll have a lot more fun in the meantime, and might actually have something to say the next time you see your guy, instead of the usual "Why didn't you call me today?"

Now I'm not saying that you should put up with a guy who makes a habit of blowing you off, but being independent and having a life of your own actually makes a quality guy want to come your way. When he realizes that you don't sit at home waiting on his phone call so you can plan your day around his schedule, it makes you look a lot cooler, and a lot more sane.

Don't Be Shy

2010-07-07T00:14:00.000-07:00

Come on... don't be shy! Click the link at the top of my blog that says Submit Your Dating Dilemma and let me hear it! I would love to get a "Dear Abby" thing going, but none of my readers are writing in! You can't tell me that you're all just deliriously happy out there!
I will answer your questions/concerns right here on my blog. It is completely anonymous. So come on, don't be shy! What's your dating or relationship dilemma?!
Email me at: insightsonindependance@gmail.com

Can't wait to hear from you!

Relationshop: Beach Bella

2010-07-02T16:52:00.000-07:00

I love to daydream while I am getting dressed for an outing. I try to imagine the "character" the outfit is playing.

This outfit to me, belongs to a well known woman, living somewhere on the California Coast. She is very prestigious, classy, and well known. She is always dressed just right, never too much, or too little and still enough to draw all the eyes toward her. The people wait for her to walk out onto the sand, admiring her flawless sense of style.

Once I am done getting ready, I try to personify this character... I am the belle of the beach!

Then I promptly trip on my heels, spill piping hot coffee on my crisp white blouse, and slam the car door onto the elegant wide pant legs, soiling them. Oh well, that's what day dreams are for- to escape from the reality that is me!

I recently bought the pants shown above, The Marissa Fit Linen Pant from Victoria's Secret

and they are now my favorite pants! They are made of really high quality

(read: not see-through) linen, and I have no doubt they'll last many summers.

The lovely headband shown above (soon to be mine as well) is from the always fabulous Forever 21. Features a gold metal band with jewels in shades of pink and purples.

The bag is a handmade treasure from my favorite website Etsy.com

Enjoy!

He Wants to Take Her on a Date, But...

2010-07-02T15:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Margo,

Hey, I just saw your post asking for people to send in dating dilemmas. I don't have a serious problem per se, but kind of a random question I could use help with. I've been talking with this guy on OkCupid for about a week now, and he seems really great. He has said he would love to take me on a date, however, he is going to be in California for the whole summer. So today he sent me a message with his cell number and his email address. Why? Am I supposed to call him now? He suggested that I talk to him on gchat sometime, but I don't want to. Sending messages on OkCupid allows me waaaay more time to plan out what to say to him. Also, I don't really spend that much time on gchat anyway. As of yet I haven't responded to his message. What do you think I should say?

Thanks so much! xx, Delilah

Hi Delilah! Thanks so much for writing in and btw I am a huge fan of your blog!

So you have only been chatting with this guy for a week, and have yet to meet face to face. It is great that he expresses the desire to take you out, and follows up with it by giving you his number. However, California is a long distance between two people who don't even have a relationship, let alone had the opportunity to meet face to face.

I wouldn't pursue the verbal communication he's suggesting, I think in this case, its just time to thank him, cut your losses and move on (which can be as easy as checking your OKCupid inbox these days!)

Here's my reasoning:

What happens if you decide you really like him? Great. He's in California. What happens if the two of you are really hitting it off and he likes you a lot too? Great. He's in California. He's got another life out there that you are not going to be apart of. That's a long time to be in the "phone talking" stage of a relationship.

One thing that happens when people really like each other, is that they become exclusive with one another and move into the relationship phase. But you can't expect that from each other because... He's in California. You may have all his attentions during free nights and weekends, but its any body's game in the real world out there in CALIFORNIA.

Now to respond to your question on what to say to him, I say keep it short and simple. You have never met him in person, and you have no obligation to return any emails at all. But the polite thing to do would be to say something like this:

"I've enjoyed talking to you and you seem like a great guy. It's too bad you're gone for the summer, I think we could've really hit it off if you were here."

That is all you have to say. He'll get the point and there are plenty of fish in the sea.

Thanks for writing in! I also want to note to my readers that Delilah allowed me to use her name- and that is the only reason I published it. I do all the replies on my blog anonymously, so if you have a dilemma of your own, no matter how big or small, please email me at: insightsonindependance@gmail.com

I'd love to hear your take on things as well!

We Have a Winner!

2010-07-01T17:40:00.000-07:00

Yes! The winner of the coveted Forever 21 dress is......

TABBY! Thanks so much to all of my readers and I hope you will continue with me on this journey into the realm of love, relationships, and everything in between!

Unfortunately, I did not purchase the dress in advance (because I did not know the size of the winner), so there has been a slight change. The option of white is no longer available, but Tabby can choose from black or walnut brown- both beautful alternatives! Hope you love the dress and necklace Tabby, and I hope all of you will continue to read my blog. Thanks!

She's A Social Butterfly- He Prefers The Cocoon

2010-06-29T16:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Margo, here is my dilemma:

I am dating (and living with) a guy who is a homebody, not a talker, and not super affectionate (especially in public). I am a social butterfly, loquacious, and a snuggle bunny. I really care about him, but it's really becoming difficult for me lately. I recently sat him down and told him exactly what I needed from him and he's really making a concerted effort. But, like I said, it's been pretty inconsistent. I'm not sure how long I should give him to show me he is willing to compromise (or at least discuss the situation with me and explain what he's willing to do/needs me to do to meet these expectations).

Dear Social Butterfly,

There's that word: Expectations...

I think it is great that you sat your man down and told him what you needed. Men don't respond to nagging, or melodramatic whining. If you want to express something you need from your man, than sit him down, spell out exactly what it is you want from him and why, and try to leave out most of the "feeling words" we women are so fond of. So you did that. You sat him down, talked it out with him, and from what you said, he understood since he "really is making a concerted effort". Then here's the kicker...

You can't change a man. Can't do it. But you can change some behaviors by simple reinforcement. The fact that he listened to what you had to say, and is making an effort, is a great step. It is going to be inconsistent since these things that you ask of him are not in his nature- and they probably never will be.

Encourage him when he gives you affection, by giving it back and showing him how happy it makes you. When you can get him to go out with you, make sure not to be over-affectionate with him in public, since he seems to be uncomfortable with it. Instead, try simply putting your hand on his back while sitting or standing next to each other.

This is a low-key way to keep the connection between the two of you, and he might even warm up to the idea of PDA's, because he'll like the feeling of closeness the two of you have when you go out. He'll associate positive feelings with going out with you, and as a result, he may want to go out with you more often.

As for your question of how long you should give him for these changes/compromises to take place, who knows. It all depends on the dynamics of your relationship and how these problems affect your overall happiness. It sounds like you've got a great guy though, who just needs some encouragement in the right direction. Guys respond to positivity rather than negativity or criticism, so try not to lose your patience. I'd love to know if this advice has helped at all, and please keep me posted! Thanks for writing in!

If you have a dilemma of your own, big or small, I'd love to hear from you at: insightsonindependance@gmail.com

---Margo

When Ben and Jerry Just Aren't Enough

2010-06-29T13:14:00.001-07:00

OK, so to give you a little update on how I'm doing in my personal life and dealing with the recent breakup (because I know the suspense has been killing you!)...

Saturday:
1.Woke up at 6:00am feeling panicky, smoked a cigarette, then started to manically clean my apartment.
2. Went to lay by the pool with mom at 11:00.
3. Came home at 1:30 and Watched Law & Order Criminal Intent on Netflix...
4. until I went to bed at 11:00.

Sad? Yes.

But wait- here was Sunday:
1. Woke up at 8:30am.
2. Too lazy and depressed to make coffe, so I drank diet coke to fulfill my caffiene requirements.
3. Painted for two hours (this was the productive part of my day)
4. Proceeded to watch more Law & Order Criminal Intent until I went to bed at 9:30.
5. Is is weird that I have a serious thing for Vincent Donofrio?

Ladies (and gents), this breakup is really knocking me on my ass. Now that he's gone, everything else seems so empty and pointless. I ate half a frozen pizza in one sitting on Sunday during my Law & Order marathon. If that doesn't scream pathetic-- I don't know the meaning of the word pathetic!
I did manage to create some new jewelry pieces yesterday, so I am slowly regaining productivity.
I am proud that I haven't called him, and pissed that he hasn't called me.
Sorry to be such a downer today, but sometimes, as I have learned from this situation, you just have to take the good with the bad.

Never Admit That You've Slept With More than Five Guys

2010-06-26T04:24:00.000-07:00

"Telling your guy that you've slept with more than five guys is like telling a child there really is no Santa Claus, or Easter Bunny, or Tooth Fairy, or Heaven. Don't kill the fantasy" (Giuliana DePandi).

I'm borrowing this tip from the book Think Like A Guy by Giuliana Depandi. According to her, a low number (five or less) tells him that you are selective in your partners and therefor he is lucky to be with you. A high number tells him that you are unable to keep men interested with your personality, so you compensate by putting out immediately. I have known girls like this, so I have to say, it's good advice in theory.

I personally don't think those questions should be asked in the first place, but some people for some reason, really want to know, so there you go. Do you agree with this advice?

Friday Five (On Saturday): 5 Words You Should Never Utter on a First Date

2010-06-26T04:11:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the late post (I know you lost sleep just dying to hear my words of wisdom).

5 Words Never to Utter on a First Date:

1. Therapist (Unless you or he is a therapist)

2. Biological Clock (I know, that's two words)

3. Broke (This gives the impression you are bad with money or irresponsible)

4. Venereal (Just Don't)

5. Dude (Just Don't)

What are some words or phrases you think should never be uttered on the first date?

She's Janis Joplin and He's Mr. Rogers

2010-06-22T16:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Margo, here is my dating dilemma...

We're total opposites, not just like opposites attract... Total Mr. Rogers and Janis Joplin, like that. He's geeky and immaculate, and a perfectionist. I'm a hippie and free with a gazillion animals, and the windows open and the music blasting. He talks politics, I talk peace. He's modest, I'm free. We have a great time together but... we don't think alike at all, and so we often misunderstand each other.

We've been together about 10 months and I know that sounds like a minute, but we're old, and for different reasons, we both waited a long time to "date" again... neither of us were looking when we bumped into each other and this started....

Dear Mrs. Rogers,

My first comment is on your comparison to your man to Mr. Rogers! That does paint the perfect picture in my brain, and with the description you gave of yourself, I can see how the two of you may clash on some levels. Opposites attract, yes, in theory- but sometimes there are just too many differences to make a connection.

I'm curious, because you say that you have a great time together. When you are having a great time together what is it that you are doing? I think that in order for two people to be able to have a great time, there has to be some common ground.

Since you don't seem to share any common interests or views with this man, maybe the great time you have is based in conversation, sexual chemistry, or sense of humor? If not, then ask yourself, what is it about this man that I am attracted to? Where is our connection? If you can't find an answer, then it is time to consider some other options.

Are you happy with this man? Are you able to accept his differences and still be comfortable with your sense of self? Or do you find yourself trying to change, or become the kind of woman you think would "fit" him better? Does he accept you for who you are?

These are some questions to consider, and I think you already know the answers. You mentioned that you are both "old". Are you worried that you won't find someone else who shares your passions and points of views? Just make sure that you are in this because you are happy, and not because you feel you don't have any other options- because believe me, there are options.

Modern day technology makes it easier than ever to pair up with someone who shares your passions and interest, and the best part about it is that there are almost endless options. If you decide that you and Mr. Rogers are great together, great! You can have friends that share your interests and free spirit lifestyle- you don't necessarily have to get that from your partner. It all depends on what you want.

How Are You Feeling Today?

2010-06-20T16:41:00.001-07:00

Well, I had a good weekend. I ventured out to my friend Carly's house and from there we went to our friend Deanna's house. Waiting for us was a jumbo size bottle of Grey Goose. We drank, smoked, and cooked a seriously good dinner and laughed the whole night. There are few girls I can hang out with and have a real good time, but these two are at the top of my list!
I'm feeling a little up and down with the recent breakup. I don't think it has really hit me yet. When you are going through tough times with your man, its so important to have girl time. No one understands you like your girlfriends. I only have one really true friend- and that's Carly. I don't tend to surround myself with superficial relationships, because I've been there done that and they are a waste of time.
For tonight, I don't have anything clever to say; I don't have any savvy advice to give because I am (understandably) a little out of sorts. I will give you some words of wisdom in the words of another: The only two men who love you in the world are Ben & Jerry. courtesy of one of my favorite blogs: The DC Dating Divas.

Welcome to Singlehood

2010-06-19T04:40:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm officially single. Me and my boyfriend have been having problems lately. I decided to call it quits when he would only respond to me via text all week. Never ever allow a man to avoid you for a week, it is unacceptable behavior. As much as I think we could have worked through our problems, I couldn't allow him to cause me that kind of stress. It was to the point where we really needed to work on things and his way of working on the relationship was to avoid the problem, and ultimately me. That's not to say that I have done no wrong- its not entirely his fault that we got where we are.

I'm doing OK, I have a ton of work to do with my jewelry and keeping busy is the most important thing! I made the mistake yesterday of calling him in my highly emotional state and leaving a weepy voicemail... but hey- you're allowed one hysterical action during a breakup right? Unless that action involves slashing tires or doing bodily harm, I think its OK to let some of that emotion out. Afterwards I just laughed at myself and promised to keep my phone out of reach during crying spells.

Anyone going through a tough time or breakup, I'm here for you and I know how you feel. Let's just hang in there because I promise, it will get better, and you will feel better!

P.S. You can get this awesome Relationship Status T-shirt here!

Friday Five: Top 5 Reasons To Love Being Single

2010-06-18T09:57:00.000-07:00

This Friday, I thought I'd give you single gals a few reasons to be thankful for your status! These are my top 5 reasons to love being single!

1. You can dramatically change your hair without anyone (particularly your boyfriend) freaking out on you.
2. You have more time to make new friends and explore new interests.
3. Every day is different.
4. If you forget to shave- who cares?
5. More me time!

I'd love to hear your thoughts; why do you love being single?

I'd Love to Hear From You!

2010-06-17T17:17:00.000-07:00

At the top of my blog is a link that says Submit Your Dating Dilemma. I would love it if my readers that are facing a personal dilemma in the world of dating, love, or relationships would email me privately with your problem or question. My plan is to have an interactive relationship with all of you!
I will write my response to your problem here on my blog. I will keep it completely anonymous. Then others can read, and share their view point, and hopefully lead you to a conclusion or better perspective on your situation or dilemma. I hope to hear from you all! Thanks!

Chicken Cordon Cheez-It

2010-06-17T09:50:00.000-07:00

This is a recipe I learned some years ago from a very hungry (and very high) frat boy. It sounds disgusting- but trust me it is incredible! Your man will be putty in your hands after you serve him this college bachelor delicacy...

Difficulty Level: High Frat Boy

Ingredients:

4 Boneless Skinless Chicken Breasts

1 Box Cheez-It's

4 Slices American Cheese

4 Thick Slices Ham

1 Egg

1/4 Cup Water

8 Toothpicks

1. Place Cheez-Its in a food processor and chop until they are the consistency of breadcrumbs. If you don't have a food processor, you can use a fork, or a potato masher. Place the crumbs on a flat dish or shallow bowl.

2. In a seperate bowl, mix egg and water. Set aside.

3. Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees.

3. Butterfly the chicken breasts. Stuff each with 1 slice American cheese, and 1 slice ham. Fold the chicken breast over, and secure with toothpicks, one on each side.

4. Dip a chicken breast in the egg and water mixture, coating the outside.

5. Roll the chicken breast in the Cheez-it crumbs, coating the outside. Repeat with remaining 3 chicken breasts.

6. Place breasts on a non-stick baking sheet and bake for 30-40 mintutes, depending on size of the breasts.

7. Place breasts in a push up bra and serve. Enjoy!

RELATIONSHOP: All Dressed Up and Nowhere To Go

2010-06-16T12:12:00.000-07:00

Like almost any girl, I have a good relationship with my wardrobe. I thought I'd start a new weekly series called Relationshop. This week's theme is All dressed up and nowhere to go. I love these items, but for me personally, I would probably have nowhere to wear them. This would make a stunning outfit for a fancy night out with your guy- but it is probably too much for a first or second date. Guys can smell it a mile away when a girl is trying to hard to impress them. Enjoy!

Dress: Forever 21 $19.80

Shoes: Steve Madden $99.95 (but so worth it)

Ring: Forever 21 $5.80

Comments Are Working On Blog

2010-06-16T04:39:00.000-07:00

Just an update to any of you who have tried to leave a comment on my giveaway, the comments are now working. I had to change the setting to a pop-up window. Has anyone else had this problem?

Great Giveaway!

2010-06-15T22:00:00.000-07:00

One Lucky winner will be the new owner of this fabulous Forever 21 ensemble!

This romantic lace and knit dress comes in sizes small, medium, and large. The necklace is gold toned chain with adorable heart charms!

Buy it:
Dress: Forever 21 $19.80

Necklace: Forever 21 $5.80

Win It:
A $25.60 value!

To enter (Mandatory):

1. Follow my blog

2. Leave a comment under this post telling me your favorite item from the Forever 21 website, with a link to it.

3. Make sure to include your email so I can get a hold of you if you win!

The winner will be chosen by Random.org and I will announce the winner right here on my blog July 1st.

Bonus Entries:

5 additional entries: Grab my blog button and post it on your blog. Make sure to send me a link to your blog!

3 additional entries: Blog about this giveaway and leave a comment with the link to the post!

Good luck!

Side Note: Forever 21 is not a participant in this giveaway. These items are obtained by me, and all opinions are completely my own!

How I Ruined a Blind Date... Before It Even Began

2010-06-14T16:44:00.000-07:00

4 words: "I hate blind dates," I said to him with a flirtatious giggle. I thought it sounded so casual. What it sounded like to him was: "I don't want to go out with you," and he never called again. If I were still single I may still be dwelling on this little miss-step, but now it is filed under "learning experiences" subtitle "embarassing" in my subconscious. Still, I'd like to share it with you just for fun.
A friend from work was really pushing for this date, so finally I succumbed to peer-pressure. I gave her my number which she then passed on to him. (So junior-high right?) He called a couple nights later when I was on my way to a friend's house. I was stuck in traffic, so it was the perfect time to talk. Or so I thought.
When you lack planning skills as I do, it becomes hard to think of something to say spur of the moment -- especially on the phone with someone you've never met before! So he said sheepishly, "Yeah... uhh, Dave gave me your number and uh... I was wondering if you'd like to go to my office Christmas party with me next Saturday?"
I went on for a couple minutes about the whole blind date thing and how "It's just so akward, not knowing someone and going out on a formal date... hehehehehee!"

I had no delusions. I knew exactly why he never called me back, but it was still a great (and embarassing) learning experience. So my advice to you is: if you are waiting on a call from a new guy- think of what you are going to say, and try to make it sound cool!

Hoes Before Bros

2010-06-14T05:38:00.000-07:00

You know that girl. She's your best friend when she's single and unhappy, but as soon as a guy comes along and starts paying her some attention, she disappears off the face of the earth? If you don't know someone like this, ask yourself when was the last time you called your bff?

Many women have trouble balancing social life with coupledom. Women tend to hyper focus on the man in their life, while everything else falls into the background. Snap out of it! Go out with your friends. If you don't have friends, take up yoga or a pottery class and make some. It is important not to depend on your guy for all of your social connection- because that's not fair to him.

Guys actually love it when a girl has interests and life of her own. Isn't that kind of a no brainer? Guys are much better at balancing their independance. You don't see your guy constantly rearranging his schedule, or cancelling plans with the guys to come and watch tv with you do you?

The Pregnancy Shirt

2010-06-13T06:14:00.000-07:00

The babydoll top. Our best friend on a fat day. The old standby when we don't know what to wear, because after all- it makes our boobs look great.

Many guys I've talked to have given me some disturbing advice. This top is not sexy. In fact, my friend Travis told me that it makes us look pregnant. Shocking, I know. All this time we thought that top was the solution for covering up our "baby fat" when really we weren't fooling anyone.

Weekend Read

2010-06-11T14:50:00.000-07:00

Think Like a Guy by Giuliana DePandi is one of the best books I’ve ever read. Once I picked it up I literally couldn’t stop turning the page. I read the whole thing in one afternoon. It is FULL of all the things that we girls do wrong when dating a man- and gives down to earth solutions for every problem. Not only that, but the book is hilarious. Giuliana’s writing style is simple with a side of sarcasm. Here is an excerpt from one of her dating tips:
Tip #33 Don’t Be A Bad Drunk
Alcohol is a wonderful thing. It makes crappy parties fun and ugly guys hot, and boosts self confidence like nothing else. On the flip side it makes ugly guys hot, causes us to throw up, and makes us call our exes at two in the morning to explain how much we’re over them. Trust me, no matter how hot you are, no guy is going to want you after he holds your bangs while you barf. Here’s a conversation you’ll never hear in a bar:
GUY: “That’s a really nice top you’re wearing. Is that a little splash of puke on the sleeve? That’s hot.
GIRL: “My puke was green. (looks around) Where’s my ride?”
GUY: “You puked? That’s awesome, self control and moderation are so overrated.”
GIRL: “Why did my ex break up with me? (sobbing) I’m so ugly.”
GUY: “Your personality rocks. Can I take you out sometime?
You can find a used version of this book on amazon, or just head to your local bookstore. The book is only around 100 pages, so it makes the perfect pool companion. I couldn’t wait for snail mail, so I downloaded it directly to my kindle.

Tip #1: Anticipate Before You Date

2010-06-10T19:12:00.000-07:00

You've decided to start dating. Great! Now What? Do you dig out your slinky red dress, head to the nearest bar and chat up every guy who offers you a fruity shot? No, and the reasons for this are two-fold.

1.) You don't want to enter the dating scene as the drunk girl who's puke matches her dress.

2.) You need to do a little preparation before you start putting yourself out there.

According to Top 10 Dating Tips you should take some time to review what you expect to get out of dating. Are you looking for a relationship? Marriage? Or maybe you just want to get out there and experience the dating world and see where it takes you. The latter is my recommended approach. Love does not always play by our rules.

Figure out how you plan to put yourself "out there". Where is "out there"? A cafe? New yoga class or gym? Online dating? (Please please please don't meet men at bars. I will do a separate post about this later.)

You also need to prepare yourself for potential rejection and the occasional sleaze bag. These dating pickles are learning experiences- nothing more. Rejection is not an excuse for you to "finally figure out what is inherently wrong with you". Everone experiences rejection, and with coming into contact with new people with all the added pressure of dating, its just an unpleasant reality that we all have to face once and a while. The best advice is to get over it. Trust me, you will feel so much more confident if you don't let things get to you easily.

Ok, now that you've prepared, how do you plan to enter the dating world?

Great(ish) Expectations

2010-06-09T18:59:00.000-07:00

This is the start of a new venture for me, so I will start by introducing myself and telling you a little about what I am all about. I am an independent jewelry artist, painter, writer, and student. The beginning processes of this blog concept stemmed from my frustrations with today's society in the world of dating, relationships, and everything in between.

I hope to share my own stories and experiences with you from past and present. I also hope to hear from you, on anything you may be facing in your love life as well, and possibly offer my own insights (notice I didn't say that annoying word- advice). I plan to offer fun tips and tid-bits of information including but not limited to psychological studies related to this topic, how to's, and just my general observations and musings in the world of love.

Something I'd like to address: The Name of my blog, "Great(ish) Expectations. At first glance, this would imply that this is a blog about lowered expectations. In choosing this name (with the help from fellow etsian zipandruth) I wanted to say two things. 1.) Don't come into this blog with the idea that I am an expert in the field. I am not a licensed therapist (but I am going for my counselling degree if that means anything!) Just read, take the information as you want, and have fun!

2.) Life is what you make it. You can't expect for the perfect man to come into your life and take all your problems away. You should always expect to be treated right, with decency and respect for being the awesome woman you are.

I'd love to hear about your dating dilemmas, questions, or comments!

(P.S. I promise not to italicize so much in future posts. I was just trying to emphasize my point).